


hiatt baker hoes

by joisattempting



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, I have no plan, Multi, Texting, don’t ask why bc idk either, gay as shit 🥳🥳, i have no idea what i’m gonna do w this, jo stop ignoring your other projects, lmk if you want me to make more of these, shoutout to google for helping me w the minimal research i did on this university, they all go to the university of bristol??, watch me lose motivation after one chapter, yes i made them all british what are you going to do about it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29090244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joisattempting/pseuds/joisattempting
Summary: merrychristmas: maybe he can tell me what all my fossils on animal crossing are i’m fucking sick of blathers making me feel guilty every time i tell him i don’t want to know about idk pterodactyl tailsarwening: OMG ADD ME ON ANIMAL CROSSING I’LL GIVE YOU PEARSmerrychristmas: i have peaches i’m good ty <3arwening: WHY IS EVERYONE SO AGAINST PEARS WTFsamnotsowise: i believe in pear supremacybagthegins: #justiceforarwenspears😔gimgimgeree: arwen can i have your pears if merry doesn’t want them my island is a safe space for ALL fruitsmerrychristmas: this feels like a calloutgimgimgeree: surprise shawty it was⤷ alternatively, pippin makes a groupchat with some of the people in his university hall.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Boromir (Son of Denethor II), Arwen Undómiel/Éowyn, Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee, Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf, Éomer Éadig/Faramir (Son of Denethor II)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> surprise shawty  
> hey uh i’m hashtag not dead i just have no motivation and i never feel like writing but i read “do not disturb” by @widerussianeyes here on ao3 and i got inspired to make this!! i took a couple ideas from their fic, including the pairings because i loved them so much. honestly i’m not sure if i’ll continue with these but uhh enjoy yourself and lmk if i should do more? :)
> 
> \- jo <33
> 
> tw for mentions of dead bodies
> 
> USERNAMES:  
> @pippipcheerio - pippin  
> @merrychristmas - merry  
> @bagthegins - frodo (like putting gin in a bag,, and also baggins,, i’m so sorry)  
> @gimgimgeree - gimli (like the song from mary poppins 😭)  
> @samnotsowise - sam  
> @borrowmir - boromir  
> @assagorn - aragorn  
> @arwening - arwen  
> @leggy - legolas  
> @lmaoeowyn - eowyn
> 
> (also i’m not sure why i picked the university of bristol for this. i’m half convinced it was because i headcanon the hobbits to be from the english countryside, but further investigation is required in that department 👀 i know nothing about the university as well i just googled accommodation halls and what courses they offer, wow i’m really selling myself as a writer 🥳)

_@_ _pippipcheerio_ added _@_ _bagthegins_ , @ _samnotsowise_ , _@_ _merrychristmas_ , @ _gimgimgeree,_ _@_ _assagorn_ , _@_ _borrowmir_ , @ _leggy, @_ _arwening_ and _@lmaoeowyn_ to the group

_@_ _pipipcheerio_ named the group **hiatt baker hoes B)**

  
  


**pippipcheerio:** HEY HEY

**merrychristmas:** pippin’s gay

**pippipcheerio:** 🧍

**merrychristmas:** oh i thought we were rhyming nvm

**bagthegins:** literally why would we be rhyming meriadoc

**lmaoeowyn:** wtf kind of name is meriadoc

**arwening:** eowyn love don’t even try

**lmaoeowyn:** yk what that’s fair

**leggy:** the end

**borrowmir:** the way i don’t know any of you 🧍

**pippipcheerio:** neither do i i got y’alls numbers when we first moved into hiatt baker so i figured why not throw everyone into a gc and see what happens 🥳

**samnotsowise:** ooooo we could go around and introduce ourselves

**pippipcheerio:** YES GOOD PLAN NAME PRONOUNS AND COURSE GO

**merrychristmas:** what’s crackalackin i’m merry he/him and modern languages 🥳

**bagthegins:** frodo they/them and liberal arts

**arwening:** hihi!! am arwen she/they and childhood studies it’s funky to meet y’all

**arwening:** oh i’m also dating eowyn :)

**lmaoeowyn:** hi love <3

**lmaoeowyn:** i’m eowyn btw she/her and criminology

**borrowmir:** wait are you the pixie cut girl in the front row of prof elrond’s class w all the pins on your bag

**lmaoeowyn:** in the flesh and at your service B)

**borrowmir:** omg swaggy i’m the guy w the long hair and tory dad 😔😔😔

**lmaoeowyn:** say less i remember you now

**lmaoeowyn:** are you a tory tho 

**borrowmir:** wtf no i’m a ✨homosexualé✨

**pippipcheerio:** okay good no kicking today <3

**pippipcheerio:** lo i’m pippin he/they and classics

**merrychristmas:** don’t ask him about patroclus and achilles he Will tell you about his smut fic in Excruciating detail

**gimgimgeree:** @pippipcheerio dm me 

**assagorn:** wait no

**borrowmir:** wait why do i want to see it

**leggy:** ^

**samnotsowise:** OKAY MOVING SWIFTLY ALONG

**samnotsowise:** m’name’s sam uh he/him and anthropology

**leggy:** that’s so swag i wanted to take that but my mf dad made me do marketing i’m bored to tears

**leggy:** literally someone come pick me up from class tmrw i physically cannot

**leggy:** hi btw i’m legolas and they/them

**lmaoeowyn:** omg my sibling does your course

**lmaoeowyn:** cut your hair greasy ass mf

**leggy:** excuse me the only greasy ass mf here is aragorn

**assagorn:** wow i feel so loved rn

**leggy:** silence severus snape

**merrychristmas:** sweet sweet alliteration 🅱️)

**pippipcheerio:** @assagorn i don’t know anything about you except that you’re in hiatt baker but ily :)

**assagorn:** :)

**assagorn:** right back atcha kiddo

**bagthegins:** wait this is pure i love this

**gimgimgeree:** out here cleansing the tl y’all are doing god’s work

**gimgimgeree:** gimli he/him and econ </3

**gimgimgeree:** me n leggy met in a mcdonalds line at two am n now we’re dating 😌

**arwening:** wait is there a Singular straight person here

**borrowmir:** ,,,,,,,

**lmaoeowyn:** 👀👀👀

**samnotsowise:** speak now or forever hold your peace

**assagorn:** i doubt it tbh

**merrychristmas:** okay he’s p not wrong but THIS PERSON IS CREEPING ME OUT WHY DO THEY KNOW US

**assagorn:** are you shitting me

**assagorn:** we’re all on the same hall and most of you don’t stfu

**pippipcheerio:** aragorn be nice or i’ll kick you >:(

**samnotsowise:** 🦵

**lmaoeowyn:** PLSSSSSSS LMAOAOAOAOAO

**bagthegins:** y’all hear that sound wtf

**borrowmir:** eowyn is that-

**arwening:** can confirm yes it is she’s in my lap wheezing and her face is Very red

**pippipcheerio:** 😏

**leggy:** PIPPIN YOU SINNER BE QUIET

**merrychristmas:** THIS IS SO FUNNY 

**gimgimgeree:** HELLO IS EOWYN OKAY

**arwening:** OMG I’M SO SORRY HER SENSE OF HUMOUR IS BROKEN

**lmaoeowyn:** yuh we’re good i have the hiccups tho and arwen is Bullying me

**arwening:** I’M NOT THEY SOUND SO FUNNY

**lmaoeowyn:** you’re a Bully

**samnotsowise:** ty eowyn for stroking my fragile ego by laughing sm at my leg emoji that you almost died

**samnotsowise:** i’ll be accepting donations at the door

**bagthegins:** aragorn you hecker what course are you doing

**pippipcheerio:** and your pronouns!!!! :)

**assagorn:** geology and he/him 

**lmaoeowyn:** omg rock boy

**merrychristmas:** maybe he can tell me what all my fossils on animal crossing are i’m fucking sick of blathers making me feel guilty every time i tell him i don’t want to know about idk pterodactyl tails

**arwening:** OMG ADD ME ON ANIMAL CROSSING I’LL GIVE YOU PEARS

**merrychristmas:** i have peaches i’m good ty <3

**arwening:** WHY IS EVERYONE SO AGAINST PEARS WTF

**samnotsowise:** i believe in pear supremacy

**bagthegins:** #justiceforarwenspears😔

**gimgimgeree:** arwen can i have your pears if merry doesn’t want them my island is a safe space for ALL fruits

**merrychristmas:** this feels like a callout

**gimgimgeree:** surprise shawty it was

**borrowmir:** gimli isn’t your island called bermuda triangle

**gimgimgeree:** and what about it

**lmaoeowyn:** y’all want to come to my room and watch a film and 🧪✂️bond✂️🧪

**arwening:** the only reason we’re dating is bc you use emojis like that

**lmaoeowyn:** ding dong you are wrong the only reason we’re dating is bc your coffee machine has a frother

**pippipcheerio:** can we watch fantastic beasts ‼️‼️‼️

**merrychristmas:** ffs pippin you’re such a child smh

**samnotsowise:** stfu merry let them speak 👀

**bagthegins:** i’d rather look at eddie redmayne for two hours than the dead bodies of jack the ripper’s victims meriadoc

**lmaoeowyn:** ANNIE CHAPMAN DESERVED BETTER ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

**lmaoeowyn:** sorry

**merrychristmas:** why are you sorry you’re right

**arwening:** kinda wanna watch fantastic beasts too tbh

**arwening:** alison sudol is on my list of five people eowyn would let me get railed by if the opportunity ever arose

**arwening:** also ezra miller <3

**leggy:** gimli why don’t we have these

**gimgimgeree:** good question i’m on it

**leggy:** ft me tonight we’ll do it then

**gimgimgeree:** is this bc you have a paper you don’t want to do

**leggy:** will neither confirm nor deny

**gimgimgeree:** legolas greenleaf stop trying to fail out of your marketing class i

**leggy:** it isn’t going to happen i keep getting firsts 😔

**lmaoeowyn:** i hate everything about that sentence

**samnotsowise:** it’s okay legolas 

**samnotsowise:** i’ll just get on with my anthropology work sayonara bitches <3

**leggy:** SAM I STG

**assagorn:** y’all are sleeping on kath waterston tbh

**arwening:** aragorn are you a bi bitch too 

**assagorn:** affirmative 🥳

**arwening:** wait period

**lmaoeowyn:** OKAY EVERYONE COME OVER

* * *

  
  


**borrowmir:** wtf that was so fun

**bagthegins:** i literally have no friends except sam (and pippin and merry but they don’t count bc i’m related to them) so this was such a vibe

**lmaoeowyn:** who left pippin in my bathtub i

**lmaoeowyn:** i want to take a SHOWER

**merrychristmas:** don’t wait for him to get up he’ll be out for three hours at the least 

**lmaoeowyn:** FOR FUCK’S SAKE

**arwening:** love you can use mine dw :)

**lmaoeowyn:** thank you darling <33 do you wanna go to nando’s after 

**arwening:** omg swaggy yeah sure

**lmaoeowyn:** one of y’all need to watch pippin

**merrychristmas:** i’ll do it i can do my work in your room 

**borrowmir:** i’ll come too why not

**lmaoeowyn:** funky thank you i’ll leave the door unlocked

**samnotsowise:** eowyn can you bring back chicken :))

**lmaoeowyn:** yk what sure but only for you and frodo bc the other two are menaces 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which eowyn watches some netflix, aragorn is exposed as a sinner, and the children bully each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey it’s Another One  
> so!! some of y’all seemed to somewhat enjoy the first one, which made me really really happy! thank you for the lovely comments y’all are so sweet, i really do appreciate it. honestly all of the characters are so fun to play around with and i love each and every one of them with my entire heart. here’s chapter two, i hope you like it!! thank you again, your support means a lot <33
> 
> \- jo :)
> 
> (also be proud of me i did a physics test today)
> 
> spoilers (kinda) for bbc sherlock ahead!!

**hiatt baker hoes B)**

**4:22 AM**

  
  


**lmaoeowyn:** KICKS DOOR

**lmaoeowyn:** PIPPIN

**lmaoeowyn:** WHERE IS THAT TINY MOTHERFUCKER

**pippipcheerio:** fixes door bc eowyn is a belligerent individual and can’t just OPEN A DOOR 

**pippipcheerio:** also i’m 5”3 ACTUALLY

**arwening:** bold of you to assume eowyn knows what belligerent means

**lmaoeowyn:** thank you arwen my lovely girlfriend the love of my life the apple of my eye my heart and soul

**lmaoeowyn:** i hope you’re detecting the contrasts in our relationship

**bagthegins:** i just looked it up and-

**bagthegins:** “hostile and aggressive”

**gimgimgeree:** EYE-

**leggy:** we’re all friends here :)

**samnotsowise:** PIPPIN WTF YOU CAN’T SAY THAT

**arwening:** SAY SORRY TO EOWYN YOU LITTLE SHIT

**pippipcheerio:** sorry eowyn :(

**lmaoeowyn:** issokay 😌

**borrowmir:** that was a bit gross of you tho

**pippipcheerio:** silence tory

**borrowmir:** oh my god-

**pippipcheerio:** anywayz you have Disturbed me while i’m taking a Dump so what do you want smh

**leggy:** that’s put a lovely image in my head thank you

**lmaoeowyn:** oh right yes

**lmaoeowyn:** YOU LOW CALORIE DORITO

**lmaoeowyn:** YOU SQUEAKY TROLLEY

**lmaoeowyn:** YOU UNNECESSARY MOVIE SEQUEL

**lmaoeowyn:** YOU ABSOLUTE WASTE OF OXYGEN

**merrychristmas:** omg are we insulting pippin

**merrychristmas:** can i join in

**gimgimgeree:** aHEM where is the familial respect here

**leggy:** me searching for merry’s respect for pippin: 👀🤔🕵️🔎

**arwening:** LOVE ARE YOU OKAY DO YOU NEED CHICKEN NUGGETS

**assagorn:** eowyn i’m living for the Dramatic Buildup but what is this about

**lmaoeowyn:** PIPPIN MADE ME WATCH BBC SHERLOCK AND NOW MY SLEEP SCHEDULE AND LIFE HAVE BEEN RUINED

**bagthegins:** omg i thought i could hear the sexual tension between sherlock and john from across the hall

**samnotsowise:** benedict cumberbatch is a national treasure <3

**leggy:** eowyn what part are you at

**lmaoeowyn:** JOHN’S IN THE WELL JOHN’S IN THE WELL

**borrowmir:** yikes

**assagorn:** pronounced like nikes

**borrowmir:** wait wh

**pippipcheerio:** the coordination 💆‍♀️🧬

**merrychristmas:** HECK omg good luck you’re in for a ride

**lmaoeowyn:** WHAT IS T H A T SUPPOSED TO MEAN

**lmaoeowyn:** IF I START CRYING SO HELP ME GOD YOU BETTER SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN MERIADOC 

**gimgimgeree:** turn the volume up the intense music makes me feel like i’m in an action film while i’m running the treadmill

**leggy:** you’re not wearing headphones eowyn??

**borrowmir:** gimli why are you running the treadmill rn it’s 25 past 4

**samnotsowise:** the hour of swole knows no bounds

**pippipcheerio:** REJOICE FOR IT IS THE HOUR OF SWOLE

**merrychristmas:** ewww boromir why do you tell the time like that

**borrowmir:** like what 🤨🤨

**merrychristmas:** 25 past?????????

**bagthegins:** i tell the time like that,,

**merrychristmas:** that’s why you’re my least favourite cousin 

**borrowmir:** at least  _ i  _ don’t have the 24 hour clock setting on my phone

**assagorn:** are you referring to me

**borrowmir:** yes i am

**arwening:** omg and my room is NEXT TO HIS sam can we switch you’re nearest the kitchen and i’m one door down from the other end

**arwening:** you can guess who that door belongs to

**samnotsowise:** by all means take it i’m moving out i can’t associate myself w people like that

**assagorn:** y’all are so mean i’m done w your shit

**pippipcheerio:** you were mean by having the 24 hour clock setting on your phone

**assagorn:** fine 

**assagorn:** i see the type of person you are

**assagorn:** i was gonna come give you leftover chicken nugs but NO

**leggy:** CAN I HAVE THE NUGS I USE 24 HOUR TIME

**assagorn:** A PERSON OF TASTE I SEE

**gimgimgeree:** legolas you’re sharing just saying

**assagorn:** aight both of you can come to my room at pilfer nuggets from me but if i’m third wheeling while you guys make heart eyes at each other i Will kick you out don’t even test me

**arwening:** aren’t there chicken nuggets in the fridge 

**gimgimgeree:** what’s your point

**assagorn:** yes but are they mcdonalds chicken nuggets

**assagorn:** nay they are merely frozen ones from the tesco frozen section that go COLD IN THE MIDDLE whenever you try to FUCKING MICROWAVE THEM PIPPIN 

**pippipcheerio:** LISTEN THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME I JUST WANTED POPCORN I DIDN’T MEAN TO BREAK IT

**bagthegins:** have y’all still not told someone about that

**borrowmir:** i can go tomorrow before my seminar bc i’m not a coward

**leggy:** please throw pippin under the bus

**arwening:** okay can we all agree that pippin is under no circumstances allowed to use the microwave once it’s fixed

**arwening:** or the new one if it’s damaged beyond repair (ps pippin you’re paying for it)

**assagorn:** i concur 

**gimgimgeree:** as do i

**bagthegins:** ^

**samnotsowise:** ^^

**merrychristmas:** ^^^

**arwening:** ^^^^

**borrowmir:** ^^^^^

**pippipcheerio:** you guys are Meanies >:(

**samnotsowise:** says the one that called eowyn fucking belligerent

**pippipcheerio:** understandable have a great day

**merrychristmas:** speaking of eowyn where is she

**arwening:** wait i’ll spam her snap that usually works when she insists on doing work instead of paying attention to her girlfriend

**lmaoeowyn:** MERIADOC. 

**merrychristmas:** aaaaand that’s my cue to leave 

**merrychristmas:** 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

**lmaoeowyn:** YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT FAST

**merrychristmas:** OMG WHY ARE YOU OUTSIDE MY ROOM

**leggy:** how did she get there so fast i

**gimgimgeree:** this is the most entertaining thing i’ve seen all day pls

**bagthegins:** GUYS GUYS OMG LOOK IT’S THE SUNRISE

**bagthegins:** attachment - 1 image

  
  


**arwening:** all of you meet me outside we’re gonna watch the sunrise together

**lmaoeowyn:** MERRY WE AREN’T DONE HERE

**arwening:** it’s colder than a witch’s tit out tho so layer up :)

**borrowmir:** this shit is so wholesome i love it

**borrowmir:** aside from the fact that it is highly likely that merry Will be suplexed into the concrete when we go outside

**pippipcheerio:** hey boromir my coat is shitty and you’re tall can we cuddle so i don’t get hypothermia

**borrowmir:** IT JUST GOT BETTER

**gimgimgeree:** i’m just saying if we get caught or if i get sick this is all arwen’s fault

**arwening:** i can’t even disagree w you there


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hiatt baker gets some new residents, gimli displays his haircutting prowess, and the gang discuss the works of dickens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yee yee diddly dee look over there it’s chapter fucking three
> 
> firstly i’m so sorry for the delay, i hadn’t got round to writing a new one of these for the past two days. but!! here she is, honestly i’m not sure how to feel about her but i hope you like it! also for the modern au i decided to exercise a smidgeon of artistic liberty and make boromir and faramir’s surnames “steward”,, as in son of the steward of gondor? i’ll stop. thanks to everyone that took the time to read this fic, it’s honestly so much fun to write and i’ve always loved the idea of a lotr modern au so i figured this was the perfect chance for my own take on it :) also i really like oliver twist so that’s why it Features in this chapter sorry not sorry
> 
> also i’ll update y’all on my physics test. my teacher still hasn’t marked it 👀
> 
> \- jo <3
> 
> USERNAMES:  
> loleomer - eomer  
> farmerbitch - faramir (bc faramir sounds like farmer idk)
> 
> tw: mentioned transphobia

**hiatt baker hoes B)**

**1:17 PM**

  
  
  


**samnotsowise:** have y’all seen the boxes outside??

**pippipcheerio:** oh yeah maybe once or twice

**pippipcheerio:** i totally didn’t TRIP OVER THEM EVERY TIME I NEEDED TO GET TO THE BATHROOM

**merrychristmas:** which i’m sure was very often after last night

**pippipcheerio:** okay but was i the one that bought the burritos? no

**pippipcheerio:** that’s on YOU and you ONLY meriadoc brandybuck

**leggy:** i want to ask what happened so bad but my last shred of common sense is screaming at me rn so i will Refrain

**borrowmir:** i could hear the sound of pippin farting in my nightmares

**pippipcheerio:** i’d prefer if you referred to it as “passing gas” thank you very much

**bagthegins:** LMAOAOAOAOAOA THAT’S EVEN WORSE

**pippipcheerio:** FRODO STOP BEING A POOPOOHEAD

**bagthegins:** okay stinky butt

**pippipcheerio:** BOROMIR FRODO’S BULLYING ME

**borrowmir:** now now children settle down

**assagorn:** smh boromir you’re too lenient with the children you must be firmer with them if you want them to become upstanding members of victorian society ugh you’re such a bad father

**borrowmir:** my dear aragorn have you ever thought that your firmness may just be the reason your own flesh and blood fear you so?? have you paused to consider why they hardly utter a syllable to you??

**arwening:** eowyn

**lmaoeowyn:** the popcorn is almost done 

**arwening:** okay good

**merrychristmas:** i’d pay all my savings for the bbc to make this

**gimgimgeree:** merry it’s time you learnt that saying shit like that is the reason you Do Not Have Money

**merrychristmas:** i hate that you aren’t wrong

**samnotsowise:** he needed new notebooks the other day but chose to buy five porcelain toadstools and a frog hat instead

**leggy:** i’d just like all of you to know he’s now taken to literally pounding on my door every morning for scratch paper 

**leggy:** i didn’t have a lecture until five yesterday

**leggy:** FIVE

**leggy:** and this MULLET WEARING SON OF A BITCH COMES TO DARKEN MY DOORWAY AT THE ASSCRACK OF DAWN FOR P A P E R

**merrychristmas:** it was ten am 🤸‍♂️

**leggy:** THE ASSCRACK OF DAWN

**merrychristmas:** omg YEAH i forgot to say i cut a mullet yesterday

**merrychristmas:** well i forced gimli to do it for me

**assagorn:** an extremely wise decision

**bagthegins:** merry why the actual fuck would you do that

**merrychristmas:** idk gimli said he was good at cutting hair

**borrowmir:** we’ve known gimli for all of three weeks and even i know now to take everything he says with a pinch of salt

**arwening:** guys stfu stop being assholes

**arwening:** send a picture merry i’m sure it looks lovely :))

**lmaoeowyn:** yuh he touched up my pixie recently and it’s more of a bowl cut now but tbh i like it

**arwening:** omg yeah and your hair is curly so it works out even better, i really like it love :))

**lmaoeowyn:** ta <33

**pippipcheerio:** the way i love y’all 

**arwening:** dawww we love you too pippin :)

**lmaoeowyn:** honestly chopping off my hair once i started uni was the Second best decision of my life (after knocking on arwen’s door to ask for a screwdriver on move in day)

**lmaoeowyn:** i literally looked like deema from bubble guppies

**assagorn:** wtf is bubble guppies

**gimgimgeree:** eowyn how could you betray the queen and country like this

**gimgimgeree:** AMERICAN tv??

**lmaoeowyn:** LISTEN i had an american girlfriend in sixth form she went to my boarding school

**merrychristmas:** here’s the hair view at your own risk

**merrychristmas:** attachment - 1 image

**lmaoeowyn:** gimli i’m gonna be honest

**gimgimgeree:** and that’s the only response i need

**bagthegins:** hair was definitely cut :)

**leggy:** WTF MERRY GO FIX IT

**samnotsowise:** THE NOISES ARAGORN IS MAKING RN ARE BOTH CONCERNING AND AMUSING ME

**assagorn:** I CNAT BATEHRHEHENDJD

**borrowmir:** what’d i tell you aragorn is nothing but a vile bully

**assagorn:** MERRY IMSI SORTHEURJEHDHE

**merrychristmas:** it’s fine it’s just gonna be kinda awkward when i pull up to the barber

**merrychristmas:** remind me to Never go to that barber again

**arwening:** ANYWAY ABOUT THE BOXES we have fresh meat moving into our lovely welcoming student accommodation <33

**lmaoeowyn:** OH SHIT YEAH I MEANT TO SAY

**lmaoeowyn:** my idiot twin sibling is rehousing so Unfortunately he’s gonna be living here

**lmaoeowyn:** i mean i could try and get them to rehouse again?? i’ll get back to y’all on that

**bagthegins:** wait why are they rehousing

**lmaoeowyn:** idk he thought he could stick it out in one of the self catered halls and then managed to get food poisoning from undercooked ramen noodles so <3

**assagorn:** okay on a scale of 1-10 how good is he at not breaking microwaves

**lmaoeowyn:** they’ve never broken one in the past if that means anything

**assagorn:** okay perfect they’re welcome

**borrowmir:** my brother is moving here too he’s transferring from another uni

**samnotsowise:** shit is everything okay?

**borrowmir:** yeah there were just a bunch of transphobes on his course and around campus that gave him a really hard time

**pippipcheerio:** omg what a bunch of assholes 

**arwening:** it’s good he’s here now at least, is there anything we can do?

**borrowmir:** he says he’s nervous to meet the people on my hall bc i’ve told him about you guys so ig just be nice? i really just want him to feel a bit more comfy yk

**leggy:** yes of course

**bagthegins:** we understand <3

**borrowmir:** i got his consent to tell y’all this btw i’m not about to go behind his back like a douche

**pippipcheerio:** omg omg CAN WE ADD THEM TO THE GC 

**lmaoeowyn:** boromir’s brother is more than welcome but i stg if you add eomer i’ll shove your phone where the sun don’t shine

**arwening:** i already sent him their numbers 😳

**lmaoeowyn:** ARWEN.

**lmaoeowyn:** how did you even get those???

  
  


_@_ _pippipcheerio_ added _@_ _loleomer_ and @ _farmerbitch_ to the group

  
  


**loleomer:** 🧍

**lmaoeowyn:** hello baby sibling

**loleomer:** i was born a literal minute after you stfu

**lmaoeowyn:** cry about it bastard

**gimgimgeree:** THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGGGG

**gimgimgeree:** hi i’m gimli lol he/him and econ

**loleomer:** hey bro i’m eomer i use he/they pronouns i do marketing w legolas and i’m not as bad as eowyn says 

**lmaoeowyn:** yes he is they’re a liar

**lmaoeowyn:** anyway welcome to the chaos 🥳

**loleomer:** happy to be here 😌 it’s funky to meet y’all!!

**farmerbitch:** dkksjdsj hi i’m faramir,, he/him and psychology :) also i’m not a tory boromir said it was apparently important to tell you

**assagorn:** we have new people good the rest of y’all are boring

**pippipcheerio:** excuse YOU i am a delight

**arwening:** go talk to legolas about being boring they read all of oliver twist and then said they enjoyed it

**gimgimgeree:** that’s my partner in case you forgot smhhhh

**merrychristmas:** wait you’re partners now?? 👀

**samnotsowise:** pippin where have you been

**leggy:** oliver twist slaps you guys just don’t have taste

**loleomer:** no but it actually does 

**loleomer:** me and eowyn did the musical together in year nine

**lmaoeowyn:** EOMER BE QUIET OMG NO

**loleomer:** LMAOAOAO UNCLE THEODEN TOOK SO MANY PHOTOS 

**arwening:** do you Have these photos by any chance 👀👀

**loleomer:** but of course 😌😌

**loleomer:** attachment - 13 images 

**loleomer:** there’s more but i’ll spare my darling sister

**lmaoeowyn:** thank you for possessing a shred of human decency 

**arwening:** eowyn

**arwening:** do you by any chance still know where your nancy dress is

**lmaoeowyn:** yuh it’s at home my uncle didn’t want to throw it out bc he likes embarrassing me

**arwening:** can you

**arwening:** can you ask him to post it here

**bagthegins:** omg and then can i try it on

**farmerbitch:** wait period that’s a good idea

**farmerbitch:** who wore it better eowyn’s y9 nancy dress edition 🤩🤩

**assagorn:** say yes to the dress but it’s one dress and we’re all saying yes to it

**farmerbitch:** i know there’s an oliver twist film but i’ve never seen it my dad never let us

**arwening:** MY POOR CHILD YOU’VE BEEN DEPRIVED

**bagthegins:** we could netflix party it if y’all want or you could come to my room idm we just need to relieve the steward brothers of this deprivation

**loleomer:** no no i think it’s way better if we watch mine and eowyn’s show dvd

**lmaoeowyn:** full offence eomer but i think that’s a terrible idea

**samnotsowise:** well i think we should let faramir and boromir decide considering they’re the ones that haven’t seen it

**gimgimgeree:** yes good idea

**lmaoeowyn:** boromir 

**lmaoeowyn:** faramir

**lmaoeowyn:** pals

**lmaoeowyn:** buddies

**lmaoeowyn:** friends

**lmaoeowyn:** y’all are my favourite out of all these fuckers

**lmaoeowyn:** except arwen <3

**lmaoeowyn:** help a dude out 😔😔😔

**borrowmir:** okay but i kinda wanna see the dvd

**farmerbitch:** same 🧍

**lmaoeowyn:** YOU COCKS

**farmerbitch:** cockadoodledoo motherfucker

**loleomer:** SO IT HAS BEEN SETTLED

**loleomer:** WE CAN SIT IN THE COMMON ROOM AND WATCH IT BC MY ROOM IS A WRECK RN 

**leggy:** omg no the poor kids who actually spend their free time revising 

**gimgimgeree:** don’t you have a test tomorrow

**leggy:** no gimli i Do Not

**assagorn:** they have a test tomorrow don’t they

**gimgimgeree:** can confirm the answer is Yes They Do

**farmerbitch:** why do you know their schedule i

**merrychristmas:** because my dear faramir they are This Close to failing out of marketing and then their dad will literally throw them out a window so gimli’s taken it upon himself to make sure that Does Not Happen 

**merrychristmas:** also you’re cooler than boromir just saying

**farmerbitch:** ah ta yes i am the cooler steward child and he knows it <3

**pippipcheerio:** omg what are your cuddles like 

**farmerbitch:** oh boromir told me about this 👀

**farmerbitch:** i’m not very tall but i wear a lot of jumpers and i do Like cuddling so i’d say i’m pretty okay

**pippipcheerio:** BACK THE FUCK UP MERRY HE’S MINE

**arwening:** i thought you had boromir 🤨🤨🤨

**pippipcheerio:** well yeah but his clothes are Scratchy 

**borrowmir:** for the twelve thousandth time if you think denim jackets are scratchy that’s a you problem

**loleomer:** i haven’t started unpacking yet but i opened my suitcase solely for the cd

**lmaoeowyn:** pippin i’m telling you adding eomer was the biggest mistake of your life

**lmaoeowyn:** and that says something bc throughout or short period of acquaintance i have come to know you have made many Big Mistakes

**farmerbitch:** we should make popcorn for the occasion

**pippipcheerio:** i’ll do it!!

**assagorn:** no pippin that’s exactly what you’re Not going to do

**bagthegins:** alright meet y’all outside

**lmaoeowyn:** i hate all of you


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an emotional rollercoaster of events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhhhhhhhh hello
> 
> wow okay,,,, it’s been weeks. maybe months? i don’t fuckin know. the point is it’s been a long time (i started and fully caught up on a podcast in the time i Did Not update this 😔) and i’m sorry. every time i think i’ve broken the surface of whatever slump i’m in, i just slide back under after a chapter and don’t come back up for ages. i really don’t know when my motivation will kick in properly and i’ll have enough steam to last me, or maybe i’m just lazy, but i miss writing a lot. again i’m really really sorry, i hope you like this?
> 
> tw: fires, burns
> 
> shoutout to the midnight research i did on galadriel’s surname,, which is where i got uh artanis from? apparently that was her “father-name” or something idk i need to go to bed
> 
> \- jo

**hiatt baker hoes B)**

**3:46 PM**

  
  
  


**leggy:** do my ears deceive me

**leggy:** or is something burning

**lmaoeowyn:** since when do you smell with your ears

**leggy:** since i broke into parliament last night and found out that noses are just an artificial lump of plastic on your face created by boris johnson to please the alien overlords who were gonna probe him w tubes

**borromir:** you just realised?? my dad knew about that for ages

**merrychristmas:** oh thank fuck so the unfathomable amount of blackheads on my nose are Not a result of godawful skincare good to know

**pippipcheerio:** no that was all you cousin dearest :)

**bagthegins:** merry do you even wash your face

**merrychristmas:** i

**merrychristmas:** i have the right to remain silent

**arwening:** merry i love you but oh my god

**assagorn:** ex fucking cuse me

**borrowmir:** you’re one to fucking talk aragorn

**assagorn:** i- yeah i walked right into that one

**gimgimgeree:** MERRY IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE EYE CRUST EVERY TIME I SEE YOU

**farmerbitch:** an intimate relationship w the sandman i see

**assagorn:** okay at least i don’t have eye crust

  
  


@loleomer _named the group chat_ **“merry’s homoerotic affair with the sandman”**

  
  


**loleomer:** felt like the old gc name was getting a touch too comfortable

**farmerbitch:** bestie we’re riding the same wavelength

**loleomer:** surf’s up innit 🏄

**bagthegins:** sigh

**leggy:** every waking moment i spend within the company of such idiocy i am reminded of how deeply i regret making friends w y’all </3

**arwening:** wait okay but legolas is right tho i can smell burning

**borrowmir:** PIPPIN

**pippipcheerio:** DON’T LOOK AT ME I’M IN A SEMINAR

**pippipcheerio:** attachment - 1 image

**pippipcheerio:** i’m appalled you would think such a horrendous thing >:(

**leggy:** i’m appalled by whatever shirt that is you’re wearing

**bagthegins:** peregrin

**pippipcheerio:** frodo

**bagthegins:** is that

**bagthegins:** and i want you to answer me very honestly here

**bagthegins:** the pikachu shirt i saw you put on after you showered last night before you went to bed

**pippipcheerio:** would you believe me if i said no

**assagorn:** you absolute tit what did we say

**pippipcheerio:** ,,,,, no wearing pjs to prof artanis’ class

**assagorn:** you’re embarrassing the entire hall yk that

**pippipcheerio:** forgive me lord for i have sinned

**samnotsowise:** wait pip how come you have artanis tf

**farmerbitch:** yeah doesn’t she teach anthro??

**loleomer:** omg does she have two phds or some shit

**lmaoeowyn:** wouldn’t put it past her tbh i stg that woman is a mystery

**lmaoeowyn:** she’s also beautiful

**pippipcheerio:** either way she’s the only teacher that i can pay attention to

**arwening:** bit rich coming from the person who’s on their phone in the middle of her seminar

**samnotsowise:** PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY

**pippipcheerio:** ffs fine

**leggy:** guys i can still smell burning

**gimgimgeree:** ah right yes the potential fire i forgot

**merrychristmas:** oh no

**lmaoeowyn:** fucking great

**bagthegins:** calm your tits the fire alarm starts screeching at literally anything i’m sure it’s okay

**borrowmir:** wow tits are a prominent theme in today’s topics of conversation

**samnotsowise:** not the TIME BOROMIR

**assagorn:** wait okay where is the fire extinguisher

**merrychristmas:** UH UH

**merrychristmas:** STORE CUPBOARD OPPOSITE PIP’S ROOM

**assagorn:** okay, who’s closest

**merrychristmas:** PIPPIN

**loleomer:** HE’S IN A SEMINAR YOU DIM LAMP

**merrychristmas:** SHIT THAT MEANS I NEED TO

GO

**merrychristmas:** FUCK UH OKAY

**farmerbitch:** GO GET EM TIGER

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


**merry’s homoerotic affair with the sandman**

**4:12 PM**

  
  


**pippipcheerio:** hey besties i’m finally out 

**pippipcheerio:** what’s popping

**arwening:** well uh

**arwening:** merry’s going to get his hand uh patched up

**pippipcheerio:** what the shit what happened

**leggy:** some other person left a pan unattended on the stove n the fire alarm went off

**gimgimgeree:** merry was nearest the extinguisher in the store cupboard but the doorhandle was hot and he burnt it even worse on the pan

**pippipcheerio:** omg :( is he gonna be okay?

**assagorn:** i had a look before he left? wasn’t like vvv bad but i’d say dm him just to make sure he’s doing semi-decent yk

**pippipcheerio:** yeah i will, thanks 

**loleomer:** omg sorry you had to come out of a seminar to this i

* * *

  
  


@pippipcheerio to @merrychristmas

  
4:15 PM

 **pippipcheerio:** hi :) are you good

**pippipcheerio:** fuck that stupid question nvm

**merrychristmas:** no yeah i’m fine for the most part 

**merrychristmas:** i’m waiting for the fucking panadol to kick in this shit is Not fun but she’s bandaged and doing her best

**pippipcheerio:** bandaged and doing her best

**merrychristmas:** don’t say it peregrin

**pippipcheerio:** title of your sex tape

**merrychristmas:** oddly enough that hurt more than burning my hand on a doorknob and a pan

**pippipcheerio:** ta i’m touched

**pippipcheerio:** will a kinder egg make it better

**merrychristmas:** why that of all things i

**pippipcheerio:** listen you buffoon i’m nostalgic and it tastes good

**merrychristmas:** okay yeah but bring starbucks with it

**pippipcheerio:** cold i’m guessing 👀

**merrychristmas:** stfu

**pippipcheerio:** noted, listen to some of the mechanisms for me until i’m done, meet me in the courtyard?

**merrychristmas:** swaggy

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


**merry’s homoerotic affair with the sandman**

**6:34 PM**

  
  
  


**lmaoeowyn:** arwen hon are you almost ready i’m walking back from my lecture rn i’m nearly there

**arwening:** yep just gotta get shoes on :)

**samnotsowise:** oooo where you going 👀

**lmaoeowyn:** jus down the pub for a bit i wanna take the edge off it’s been a weird week

**lmaoeowyn:** how’s the hand btw merry

**merrychristmas:** better than yesterday, ta for asking <3

**gimgimgeree:** oh shit that reminds me eowyn

**gimgimgeree:** postman came while you were at your lecture w a box for you i put it outside your door 

**arwening:** darling do i need to restrict your etsy privileges again

**lmaoeowyn:** HEY no i’m actually doing v well on that

**loleomer:** i’m sorry but the vaseline pot earrings were the last straw

**lmaoeowyn:** they’re practical you piece of shit celery

**lmaoeowyn:** this is so weird i didn’t order anything?? 

**borrowmir:** wtf don’t open it then

**lmaoeowyn:** wow i wouldn’t have guessed o wise one

**bagthegins:** what’s the return address eowyn

**lmaoeowyn:** i- uncle theoden??

**arwening:** WAIT 

**arwening:** sweetheart do you remember when i hypothetically asked if you could get your uncle to post your old nancy dress over here

**loleomer:** aaaaaand that’s my cue to leave

@loleomer _**has left the chat**_

  
  


**lmaoeowyn:** NOT SO FAST MOTHERFUCKER

  
  


@lmaoeowyn _**added**_ @loleomer _**to the chat**_

  
  


**loleomer:** omg you missed me how sweet

**lmaoeowyn:** GO SUCK A TOE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPEAKING OF THE PHYSICS TEST i actually did well!! 31/35 baby 😌‼️


End file.
